walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
