my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
