I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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