he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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