I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
