Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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