so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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