My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
