Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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