I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
