i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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