woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
