I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
