I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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