I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
