I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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