i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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