I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
