Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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