a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
