She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
