Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I want a musical about memes.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
