but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
