Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
