if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
