So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
