Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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