I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
