Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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