so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
