2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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