allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
