My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
