u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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