Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize