Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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