I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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