i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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