i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
