I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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