youre lurking in front of me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
