Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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