So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
my liver is dry heaving
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
