She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
COCAINE IS GR8
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
