i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
