What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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