I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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