Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
