hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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