I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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