i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
