I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
