I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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